The Great White edges through the waters off Chatham.
More than a few seals are in the vicinity along with some chubby tourists and tasty surfers. He has gone several days without a kill; not long enough to panic him, but long enough to make him…peckish.
He looks. He smells. He analyzes. But thanks to his primordial senses which have evolved over time to make him the ocean’s alpha predator, mostly he just knows. The bounty of the sea lays before him, and it is Neptune’s great plan that he takes what he desires.
And like a plump bridesmaid after her dress fitting at at twinkie buffet, The Shark rips into this week’s picks.
Patriots (-5.5) @ Bucs
The Greatest Coach of All Time wills his team to victory. Literally. No headsets. But Jameis Winston dinks and dunks his way to a lead before pooping his pants in the 4th QTR. Pats win, don’t cover.
Chargers @ Giants (-3.5)
NYG and LAC GM’s meet at halftime to publicly express regret over bypassing QB Ben Roethlisberger in 2004 draft and officially request a “re-do”. G-Men, seeing Krall in the stands, blow the game late.
“I’m not a 25 interception quarterback, I know that.”
Bills @ Bengals (-3)
Shark sez Bengals are not ready for major predator status, not this week. Bills’ stingy D confuses QBGinger.
Jags @ Steelers (-8.5)
Stillers’ fantasy products go OFF against a weak Jags’ run defense, and Pittsburgh O-line will pick up the blitzes. And, this is Pittsburgh so JAX are the JAG-OFFs!
“Way to go, ya JAG-OFF!!”
Titans (-3) @ Dolphins
Conventional wisdom holds that teams that get smoked one week, tend to play better the next. Tennessee gave up 57 points, Miami scored 0. The Perfect Storm. Toss-up goes to Marcus Mariota (assuming he plays); Jay Cutler seen in stands asking fans for cigarettes in 3rd qtr.
Gamers who participate in Madden’s 18’s Degenerate Mode can now activate perennial bum Jay Cutler
49ers @ Colts (-1.5)
Really? The Colts are favored in a game? Is Johnny Unitas back?! Sharks prefer the Bay Area over the Midwest by an overwhelming margin, so here’s to backing a sturdier defense in SF.
Cardinals @ Eagles (-6.5)
In this battle of the Carsons (how trendy a name is that, btw?) Wentz outperforms Palmer, who barely edged out the 49ers at home, yet will somehow complete 89 passes for 200 yards and suffer 17 sacks. Get there early to celebrate/protest our national anthem as performed by Ben Carson.
Panthers @ Lions (-3)
Both teams are 2-0 on the road, and The Shark thinks Cam and his group are ready to mow down in Motown. Lions cannot sustain success of game in Minnesota and must start annual downward spiral in time to be in tank by Thanksgiving for national TV game.
Meet Matthew Stafford, one of the stars in Disney Pixar’s academy award winning “Goat Boy”
Seahawks @ Rams (-2)
Could you foresee the Rams getting 2 points against the ‘Hawks at the start of this season? If so, you sir, are a liar! No truth to the rumor that Kid Coach Sean McVay brings a “Captain Underpants” lunchbox to work everyday (reference: John Gruden “Inspector Gadget” lunchbox, 1999). Anyway, Seattle still sucks on the road, ride the Rams.
Ravens @ Oakland (-4)
What’s up with the Ravens this year? Once they realized they had to play outside their division they fell to pieces, and Joltin’ Joe Flacco is rockin’ a 65.0 passer rating. The RRRRAIduhs mirror Baltimore’s won 2 then lost 2 start, and are without Derek Carr this week. You like EJ Manuel? Neither do I, but it is the Black Hole. The Shark doesn’t have a good sense on this one either way. Also doesn’t care.
Packers @ Cowboys (-2)
In the nationally televised late afternoon clash between two classic NFC rivals on the frozen tundra of Lambeau…oh wait… it’s in Jerryville. Rodgers to Jordy for at least two scores. The ‘Boys are one Ezekiel Elliott scandal away from imploding. Let it begin this week.
Ezekiel Elliott: football’s next sociopath
Chiefs (-1.5) at Texans
In an intriguing matchup, the Official “It” Team of 2017, the Chiefs, take on Houston in the Battle of the Barbecue. The Texans have just now officially expanded their offensive roster from 10 to 11 with a player at the QB position for the first time in team history. Texans pull a Hindenburg this week to a well-coached KC team, and Bill O’Brien calls Denver to inquire on availability of Brock Osweiler by halftime. Sweet over Savory.
Bears @ Vikings (-3.5)
Fresh-faced QB Mitchell Trubisky “feels like he is ready” for his Monday night start in Minnesota. The history of the NFL is littered with many such eager rookies, forced to face the cold reality of a Tuesday morning in a rainy Minneapolis gutter, like a Christmas wino. Mitch may prove to be the second coming of TB12, but … not on this night.
Mitchell Trubisky on Tuesday morning
Tune in every week for a new edition of The Shark’s take on Vegas – exclusively on the DailyPlayAction.